ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
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ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Oops I deleted….
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻