Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
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Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
can I use a minion as a tampon
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.