friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?