-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.