As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Word!
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert