I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.