All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.