*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
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Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
CRYING
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands