“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
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I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Stonehinge