Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
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BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The asteroid..
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
the saddest jazz hands ever
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you