Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
this has to be peak English
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Its true…
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.