If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”