Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
You Might Also Like
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
me after eating Cheetos
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.