It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
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When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*