My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?