The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
You Might Also Like
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.