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Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Love is in the air fryer.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?