Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
smartest karate player in the world
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…