The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
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We decided to have money instead of children.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from