Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
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HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Omg 🤣
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha