I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
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Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.