*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
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*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*