Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?