If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
when mom throws a party…
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Incredible customer service.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract