[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
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The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.