The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
this FaceApp is creepy af
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.