Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
he’s doing your taxes
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.