I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
You Might Also Like
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”