If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Hard not to take this personally
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.