Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
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[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots