*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
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My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.