they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
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The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
the last thing a carrot sees
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Knock Knock
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.