My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
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Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.