I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
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Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???