Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
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My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
sometimes my cat will figure out i鈥檓 gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i鈥檓 trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don鈥檛 touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements鈥irst: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn鈥檛 really give an opinion either way but they鈥檙e HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you鈥檙e right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Me: Don鈥檛 do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won鈥檛 squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 馃槶
keep scrolling I鈥檝e got nothing.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 馃ぃ
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 馃槀馃悇馃
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators