laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
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*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?