Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
You Might Also Like
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.