Who’s your best friend?
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[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
What’s so funny?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March