After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
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My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“I wouldn’t.”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good