Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
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Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it