how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
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Tammy is short for Tamuel
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves