Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
monday
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.