COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly