This headline is a thing of beauty
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Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
some cats are just doing for fun!
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.