I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
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Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
how to market bottled water to dads
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.