Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
#Caturday
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating