thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
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7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.