me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
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♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Worth a try
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Knock Knock
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My wife gives the best headache.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
is this a warning or an offer?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem