Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
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spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Holy crap this is wonderful
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Customer is always right
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding