ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
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You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.